Why did you leave me?

                     photopin

Dear Mammy,

I remember the day I met you for the first time since you left me behind.  I walked nervously down the driveway, my insides twisted into a knot tighter than my kids get their shoelaces into!

Then, before I knew it I was there. It was too late to change my mind. I couldn’t go now. So a deep breath and in I went.
There you were. In the flesh. (I suppose I’d had 25 odd years, picturing what you looked like. No photos for reference. Never speaking to anyone who knew you. I suppose I had you down as a red head. But then you smiled and put your arms around me.

For that moment the world was right. For a moment. All my worries and cares went away.

I suppose then I should have asked the questions. Maybe you would have answered. I didn’t want to spoil it. Couldn’t risk you telling me to go. Not after all the pain and all those years.

Perhaps I should have told you what my life was really like. How you leaving me and my sister behind when I was only three, messed me up.

Maybe I should have told you how scared I was in the orphanage. How the Nuns had me terrified!

Perhaps I should have told you how even now, I can’t tell people something that might upset them.

Would it have made a difference?

What about if I had asked you why? Why take our elder brother and leave us behind?

I’ve children of my own now. I could never leave them. Never get on a train leaving them there, alone! Not knowing if I was ever coming back.

Even worse I could never take just ONE.

Your gone now. I’ll never know the answers. Does it really matter?

We cannot change what has happened. Cannot change the past.

Why did you leave me Mammy? Why didn’t you come back?

You’ve caused so many problems.

There’s times I hate who I am.

Would I have been different if you’d never left me so?

Would I be a better man?

Could I be a better Daddy? I think we know I can. There’s times I get frustrated. There’s times I feel like crying.

You turned my heart to stone. Incapable of love. I havent many interests and hardly any friends. I’m not much good at talking and hate to be in crowds.

I still can see your face, the day I walked in the door. I suppose I should have told you, of all these thoughts I have.

Maybe then you might have told me, and answered all my questions.

I’ve a baby girl now. She’s a real little cutie. She’s brains to burn and looks to boot. Shes going to be a success. She’s bold and brave, clever and cute.  One day I’ll tell her about you. I don’t know what I’ll say. I still don’t have an answer if she asks me “Why?” 

Why did you leave me Mammy? 

I hope I don’t screw her up with all my problems, and she doesn’t end up a mess.

She has her life ahead of her along with her brother. Thanks to them, now, I know what love is. Buddy gave me a little glimpse an Little Miss OMG melted my heart of stone.

They can be anything they want Mammy!

At least they’ll never never wonder WHY! Why they were left behind.

Alan


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32 thoughts on “Why did you leave me?

  1. Wow that was a powerful read, I would never be able to imagine just the pain you’ve been through, but one thing is clear! The love you have for your kids! I’m sure they’ll grow up happy and confident. Thank you for sharing such a personal and painful story xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks for sharing such an honest post. I imagine it was both difficult and therapeutic to write. Your children are so lucky to have such an amazing father to love and care for them x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow! That was hard to read Alan, and so brave of you to put out there. I hope you find peace with the situation. Most of us know the answers to unasked questions deep within ourselves already. I hope that is true for you. I wish you much love #Brilliantblogposts

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  4. Aw, I’m so sorry for what you have been through, this made me cry. I hope you get answers one day but even if you don’t, that you can work through the pain. Know you are amazing and loved by your family. Thanks for linking up to #brilliantblogposts

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Truly heart breaking post mate I feel for my friend but sometimes these situations make us better parents and adults thank you for sharing Thanks for linking to the #THAT FRIDAY LINKY come back next week please

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I can relate to this in so many ways. I go into detail, but I’m left with so many unanswered questions and it eats away at me, but I’m determined to never put my children in that same situation. I never want them to feel the way I do, and will do anything to prevent that from happening. Thanks for linking up to That Friday Linky

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I too could never ever imagine leaving any of my babies for a minute but I suppose she must have had her reasons and possibly mental health problems? I guess we can only speculate now but I really hope you can find a way to get through it and put your mind at ease and just accept that you’ll never know and close that chapter in your life. Thankyou for sharing x #ThatFridayLinky

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  8. I think that there are some questions that it’s just better not to know the answers to. I will never understand how a mother can leave her children especially when they just take one. My birth mother gave me away and kept my elder brother and her subsequent children. It’s a bit different being given away as a 2 week old baby and I was lucky as I think I got the better end of the deal. I’m a great believer in what we go through makes us stronger and I am sure this has made you a fabulous parent xxx

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    1. Once I met her it turns out she lied about most things to do with us as well as many other things. We found out when she died she had a second birth cert showing she was 4 years older than everyone thought!
      It has just made me determined to be in my kids lives no matter what.
      Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Like

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